Resolution

It's crazy the way I can still take things for granted.  I do try to live my life in such a way that I remain grateful to the extreme for the blessings in it, but I still get caught up in the day to day "normal" around here, and find myself waking up in the morning expecting life to be just how it was yesterday. I guess if there has been turmoil, or sadness I pray more.. I hit my knees and ask for God's help, or His wisdom, or His favor.  It's become second nature to do so, and on the surface, that seems like a good thing.  But really, I feel like I need to do more. 

I don't want to take ANYthing for granted.  I truly don't want to fall into a place where I am devastated when things change, or life is not the same in the morning as it was when I fell asleep the night before.  I know that I only have one day at a time... actually, that's not even true, because I know that all we really have is our past, and the moment we are living in.  A blink of the eye.. that's how long it takes for everything to change. I know this all too well, yet I still have that expectation every morning when I wake up, and I've decided that I don't want that anymore. 

At first it was confusing and actually, terrifying to think about.. living in such a way that I take absolutely nothing for granted.  This is going to take some practice.  It's not going to be easy.  What I want to do is live in the moment, grateful for what I've been given without living in fear that it will all be taken away, without expecting that I will always have the wonderful blessing of my family surrounding me.  I want to always know, somewhere in the very center of my soul that even if in the next moment it's all gone, I will have appreciated it completely, loved it enough, and let it be everything it was meant to be for me.

  When you think about it, it doesn't seem that hard, but when you put it into practice it's really difficult.  At least for me it is. And I know that simply because I am a human being, I won't be able to do it perfectly.  It seems pretty human to hope that the good things in life stay that way, and to be hurt, disturbed, angry, and even ungrateful when they change.  But I'm going to simply try to live in a state of gratitude as often as I possibly can.  I think more than anything this will involve learning how to love more deeply.  I believe that we have an unlimited potential to love, and I know that humanity gets in the way of that love being perfect.  But I think we can get closer to perfect if we dig a little deeper into ourselves.  I just have this unshakable feeling that we can be better.  That we can love better, and become stronger and better in the process.   I think it has less to do with proclaiming love, goodness, and righteousness, and more to do with listening to an inner voice, and a quiet "knowing" that there is so much more to this life than we have experienced til now. Whatever it is, I know I can't ignore it.  So I'm chasing it.  And that's my resolution for the new year.